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Just wanted to introduce myself, I'm Natalie the founder of Finding rainbows, which I set up in 2013 after the loss of my baby boy Kaiden. Kaiden was born early at 26 weeks due to my blood pressure and placenta not working correctly. At are 20 week scan we was told Kaiden may not make it and had to have growth scans every week. My pregnancy was so scary and worrying but I was being looked after by a wonderful team at st marys i will never forget DR Jo Gilliam she was wonderful. At every scan we had, she would reassure me the best she could and laugh about how Kaiden was a little wriggler and wouldn't stay still for his measurements. She would say to me that she was shocked of how active Kaiden was due to the lack of blood flow to him he should be lethargic but not my kaiden he was a little fighter. I felt so sad sat there looking at healthy mummies to be in the clinic. I felt so full of blame ... Why wasn't my body keeping my baby safe.? The day came when Jo said to me im so sorry but Kaiden needs to but on 110 grams in the next few weeks to be able to have a chance of life being able to fight once he is born. The plan was to wait till 26 weeks to have him by caesarean section and take him straight to NICU. But if he didn't manage to put on the 110 grams I would have to give birth to him and he wouldn't make it . So many nights I spent crying in my pillow and worrying everyday. I was so sacred, it was like it was a living nightmare and I wanted to just wake up. Thea day of the scan came i lay there with tears in my eyes shaking not knowing what would happen to my baby. Jo put the jell on my tummy and started to look at him after a while she turned to me and said Well Natalie he only gone and done it he gained the 110 grams. From that day we know he was fighting and so was we. On the 7th March kaiden was born weighing only 1lb 2.5 oz he was ventilated and taken to NICU as he was unable to breath on his own.I was in a lot of pain and has to sleep for a while as the nurse gave me morphine the feeling of being helpless and not able to be there for my son was so hard but as soon as felt strong enough I was wheeled up to see him. There were all these noises of the medical machines around him he was so tiny and helpless lying there, still too young to open his eyes.
My heart sank and I started to cry and a sense of shock came over me. I thought how will my boy get through this hes so tiny. Life on NICU was so hard every day was a battle from one hour to the next. We couldn't hold him and I couldnt do all the natural things a mother does. I had to just hope and pray for my boy he had good days and bad days it was like living on a rollercoaster never knowing what the next day would bring.In the time Kaiden was on NICU he had eight operations and contracted sepsis, NEC, and many other illnesses I use to sleep at the hospital and being away from Jade and Kyle was hard. I felt torn but Kaiden needed me. There were nights I stood with him all night and had no sleep. I was exhausted. One particular day the doctors was all around him and i knew it was bad they said they had to transfer him to Alder Hay Hospital to drain fluid from his heart. I was a mess and the doctors said he could die at any point my life camecrashing down, they blue lighted him over to Liverpool in an ambulance and we had to follow behind. When we arrived I was frantic I didn't know were they took my son and was asked to wait in a waiting room. Time stood still after what was like hours a doctor came told us he and pulled though the operation but was still very weak and had to be put on an ossolater its a breathing machine that shook his whole body it was a step up from the ventilator my baby was growing weaker. I knew in my heart. but as I was told were there is life there is hope and I needed to hold on to the only thing I could and that was hope. Kaiden was so poorly he was now not responding to me and my touch and my voice but we still read his storys and played his songs to him. On the 15th may 2012 the time come to say goodbye as there was nothing more the doctors could do. I held him in my arms and watch my beautiful boy take his last breath my world fell apart. and will never be the same but I will carry on in your memory Kaiden and I promise to be there for others who need a friend and support from Finding Rainbows.
There will be more posts on Kaidens story to come, thank you for reading xxx
Ashton Under Lyne
My name is Amanda, I am a mum to a 2 year old little boy. I currently work as a support work and have done for the past 10 years. I was born in Zimbabwe, Africa and I have lived in the U.K from being a youngster.
My dad passed away 15 years ago and at the time I was too young to understand what was really going on, In the African community children are not allowed to go to funerals and as a result of that, over a decade later, I've not been able to fully grieve for my dad. Death is not something that we easily talk about and everyone avoids talking about it for obvious reasons.
I joined Finding Rainbows so I could reach out to my friends and family who have lost their angels. Hopefully with the support of Finding Rainbows I will be able to change the views of people from my cultural background, to enable them to speak about loss, and be able to reach out to someone to get the help they need. I joined Finding Rainbows because lately as they have blessed me a lot and I wanted to give something back to the community and say thank you.
Ashton Under Lyne
My name is Sharon, I am the newest member of the Finding Rainbows team. I have been in contact with finding rainbows for coming up-to 2 years now and the support I have had is amazing, I'm just glad I've had them because I don't know where I would be without them, so now it's my turn to be there for others that need support.
Let me tell you my story and why I needed support. I have two angel babies, my first child was born in March 2009, he was the love of my life, on the 2nd of May my life changed for the worst, My beautiful boy passed away in his sleep i though my life was over, I didn't know what to do, I became very depressed and thought I'd be better of dead, I even tried a few times until I met my partner Dominic. He gave me a reason to be here, he was my rock, I had my second child Bradley in 2011, Jake in 2013, both brilliant babies who are a handful now lol. In 2016 my life changed again after giving birth to twin girls in the January. I had a horrible pregnancy and delivered at 28 weeks, I was told neither of them would make it through the night I was such a mess and so far away from home. That night we got them both christened and I told my baby girls they had to fight for mummy and daddy and their brothers, which they did, not only did they make it through the night but one little girl made it home after a very long 10 weeks, I couldn't be prouder of Grace she is a little star, Abigail was very poorly and was on life support right up to the end, for 103 days the doctors tried everything to get her off it but due to medical reasons they just couldn't do anymore.
We agreed that we would try her on a different support and if that didn't work then we would let her go and end her suffering, it was the hardest decision myself and her father had to make. After a massive 6 hours on the new support her tiny body gave up fighting and she said goodbye in her daddy's arms. She was such a fighter but we said goodbye on the 10th May last year. Once again my life felt over, I didn't know whether I was coming or going, but thanks to the support from my children and Finding Rainbows I got through it.
I will be a year on Wednesday that my little girl joined her brother in the sky and I miss her so much, I just hope she is not winding her brother up to much. I also have my little man Leo he is 16 weeks old and he was a shock. I found out the day after I buried Abigail that I was pregnant and a lot of people were not happy and some of them told me to have a termination but my son was here for a reason and there was no way I could say goodbye to another child. This is me and my story I hope I meet a few of you and I can support you on your journey just like Finding Rainbows supported me.
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Ashton Under Lyne
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